Enviable Insults

Now and then I stumble upon and jot down noteworthy quotes. But what’s the use if I never share them? Please enjoy my personal collection from the section I call “enviable insults.”

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I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. —attributed to Mark Twain, but more likely from Clarence Darrow

He looks like the collective nightmare of every Hooters waitress ever. —Unknown

If soldiers had killed Escoffier’s family in front of him and then forced him to make dinner, this is what he would have cooked. —NYT food critic Peter Wells

I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you. —Unknown

People like you are the reason we have middle fingers. —Unknown

He had few inferiors when it came to dealing with newspaper correspondents. —a newspaper columnist describing Andrew John Volstead of Volstead Act fame

You’re about as useless as an asshole with tastebuds. —Unknown

He excels at utterly missing the point and dragging out ad nauseam his endless nitpicking, all while looking in the mirror and admiring how reasonable and smart he must look. —Steve Cuno

Do I want him to have a second chance after all this time? Nope. Truth be told, I’d much rather watch him try to put ointment on the genitals of a fully alert wolverine in a closet. —Robert Kirby re a recently paroled convict

You have too much blood in your caffeine. —Noah Lugeons

I would like to see him returned to the equine alimentary canal from which he descended. —Steve Cuno

A racist scrotum dipped in Cheetos —Patton Oswalt’s description of Trump

Scrotum designed by Salvador Dali —@factbasedliving, a winner of the Scathing Atheist Podcast’s “Describe Jeff Sessions in Five Words or Less Contest”

I have heard flatulence with better diction. — Noah Lugeons on The Skepticrats Podcast

If he had been given an enema, he could have been buried in a matchbox. —Christopher Hitchens on the death of televangelist Jerry Falwell

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong. —Russell Lynes

It’s people like you that give people like you a bad name. —Marvel character Jessica Jones

I’d rather give birth to a porcupine backwards than be like him. —Jeff Bacon

You geriatric asshole! I hope you choke on your fiber. —Tyson Swayt

You look like Freddy Krueger face-f***ed a topographical map of Utah. —Weasel to Wade Wilson in Deadpool

The next thing he says dislocates my irony bone. —PZ Myers

People who go into hamburger management always look as if their mother slept with Goofy. —Bill Bryson, A Walk In the Woods

Utah State Senator Weiler during a hate crime hearing: “Is being a BYU fan a hate crime?” Senator Thatcher: “No, it’s a disability.”