UNLESS YOU LIVE under a rock, you’re most likely aware of a storm of outrage regarding the Dalai Lama’s interaction with a young boy, wherein at one point the former said to the latter, “Suck my tongue.”

In deference to my Tibetan friends, whom I hold in the highest regard, I listened to their and other arguments and did some homework. For anyone who cares about my executive summary, here it is.

This was news to me: sticking out the tongue is a Tibetan cultural norm, used in greeting and rooted in history, that we Westerners are all too ready to misinterpret. Fair enough.

With that in mind, I reviewed the video several times. It doesn’t look like an assault or abuse attempt. (I know, I know. Looks can deceive.) Moreover, it strains credulity to think that the Dalai Lama would be dumb enough to attempt a lascivious act upon a child in front of a large audience, with cameras rolling and the child’s mom seated two chairs away.

But the audio. The audio presents a problem.

Because “suck on my tongue” is NOT part of the above-referenced cultural norm.

There’s another problem. Namely, the official apology issued to the media and appearing on the Dalai Lama’s website, though technically true, misleads. It says, “A video clip has been circulating that shows a recent meeting when a young boy asked His Holiness the Dalai Lama if he could give him a hug.” No. The outrage is not about the hug. Nor is it about the kiss. In Tibet, men hug men and men kiss men, even on the lips. We get that.

No, the outrage is about “suck my tongue.” Which is in no way part of the culture.

The statement goes on to say, “His Holiness wishes to apologize to the boy and his family, as well as his many friends across the world, for the hurt his words may have caused.” The use of “may have caused” is a favorite weasel of celebrities, politicians, and religious leaders, in that it stops short of an admission.

The statement issued to the media also included the following, which, curiously, the website omits: “His Holiness often teases people he meets in an innocent and playful way, even in public and before cameras. He regrets the incident.” Hmm. Maybe there’s a joke in “suck my tongue” that Tibetans get that is lost on me. I’m deeply skeptical, but maybe. Either way, it needs to go.

The loudest, most irrelevant argument I hear is that the Dalai Lama is a wonderful, holy man who has attained nirvana and ergo is de facto innocent. To which I respond: Nope, nope, and nope. The Dalai Lama deserves no more reverence and gets no more passes than any other human being.

So, where do I land? A big fat I dunno. But come on, DL. No more tongue sucking.