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Now and then I stumble upon and jot down noteworthy quotes. But what’s the use if I never share them? Please enjoy my personal collection from the section I call “enviable insults.” I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. —attributed to Mark Twain, but more likely from Clarence Darrow
He looks like the collective nightmare of every Hooters waitress ever. —Unknown If soldiers had killed Escoffier’s family in front of him and then forced him to make dinner, this is what he would have cooked. —NYT food critic Peter Wells I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you. —Unknown People like you are the reason we have middle fingers. —Unknown He had few inferiors when it came to dealing with newspaper correspondents. —a newspaper columnist describing Andrew John Volstead of Volstead Act fame You’re about as useless as an asshole with tastebuds. —Unknown He excels at utterly missing the point and dragging out ad nauseam his endless nitpicking, all while looking in the mirror and admiring how reasonable and smart he must look. —Steve Cuno Do I want him to have a second chance after all this time? Nope. Truth be told, I’d much rather watch him try to put ointment on the genitals of a fully alert wolverine in a closet. —Robert Kirby re a recently paroled convict You have too much blood in your caffeine. —Noah Lugeons I would like to see him returned to the equine alimentary canal from which he descended. —Steve Cuno A racist scrotum dipped in Cheetos —Patton Oswalt’s description of Trump Scrotum designed by Salvador Dali —@factbasedliving, a winner of the Scathing Atheist Podcast’s “Describe Jeff Sessions in Five Words or Less Contest” I have heard flatulence with better diction. — Noah Lugeons on The Skepticrats Podcast If he had been given an enema, he could have been buried in a matchbox. —Christopher Hitchens on the death of televangelist Jerry Falwell I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong. —Russell Lynes It’s people like you that give people like you a bad name. —Marvel character Jessica Jones I’d rather give birth to a porcupine backwards than be like him. —Jeff Bacon You geriatric asshole! I hope you choke on your fiber. —Tyson Swayt You look like Freddy Krueger face-f***ed a topographical map of Utah. —Weasel to Wade Wilson in Deadpool The next thing he says dislocates my irony bone. —PZ Myers People who go into hamburger management always look as if their mother slept with Goofy. —Bill Bryson, A Walk In the Woods Utah State Senator Weiler during a hate crime hearing: “Is being a BYU fan a hate crime?” Senator Thatcher: “No, it’s a disability.”
1 Comment
 To create art is to risk.
In writing, passive voice is to be avoided. Resolved: Henceforth, any mystery writer who puts “There’s still one thing I don’t understand“ in the mouth of a character at the wrap-up of the denouement shall be subject to a sound slap, a wagging finger in the face, and a thorough scolding. There should be mandatory jail time for writers who pen “with every fiber of [possessive pronoun] being.” Authors who write “it is what it is” should sit in a corner and not be permitted to speak or write for 90 days while they ponder the seriousness of their crime. If I berate you for not knowing that vault has two different meanings, is it an ad homonym attack? If I berate you for using there for their, is it an ad homophone attack? Novelists who switch between first and third person voice from one chapter to the next should not be permitted to live. Sometimes alliteration marks good writing. More often, it’s a simple show of sophomoric syntactical silliness. More people should write, but fewer people should publish. Robert Louis Stevenson has a nightmare about Jeckyll and Hyde and writes a bestseller. I had a nightmare about weak coffee. What I am supposed to do with that? I like picking up a new word here or there, so I don’t mind an author who on occasion sends me to the dictionary. But the fellow who penned “absquatulated” where “fled” would have sufficed deserves a slap. I’m unimpressed when people say, “I just finished my first novel.” Unless they mean writing, not reading. Proposed: That the next screenwriter who places “This isn’t over yet” in the hero’s mouth be subject to administrative leave without pay and not less than 120 hours of community service. No real hero would say that. Besides, unless the end credits are rolling, it’s implicit. Thanks to movies, I'm not afraid of being held against my will. I know that in every secure facility is a ventilator shaft big enough for an adult to crawl through. I look forward to the day I see a novel advertised, “Now a minor motion picture.” |
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May 2025
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