SteveCuno.com
  • Home
  • Books, Articles, and More
  • Cunoblog
  • Contact / Discuss a project

Enviable Insults

8/31/2023

0 Comments

 
Now and then I stumble upon and jot down noteworthy quotes. But what’s the use if I never share them? Please enjoy my personal collection from the section I call “enviable insults.”

I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. —attributed to Mark Twain, but more likely from Clarence Darrow

He looks like the collective nightmare of every Hooters waitress ever. —Unknown

If soldiers had killed Escoffier’s family in front of him and then forced him to make dinner, this is what he would have cooked. —NYT food critic Peter Wells


I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you. —Unknown

People like you are the reason we have middle fingers. —Unknown

He had few inferiors when it came to dealing with newspaper correspondents. —a newspaper columnist describing Andrew John Volstead of Volstead Act fame


You’re about as useless as an asshole with tastebuds. —Unknown

He excels at utterly missing the point and dragging out ad nauseam his endless nitpicking, all while looking in the mirror and admiring how reasonable and smart he must look. —Steve Cuno

Do I want him to have a second chance after all this time? Nope. Truth be told, I’d much rather watch him try to put ointment on the genitals of a fully alert wolverine in a closet. —Robert Kirby re a recently paroled convict

You have too much blood in your caffeine. —Noah Lugeons

I would like to see him returned to the equine alimentary canal from which he descended. —Steve Cuno

A racist scrotum dipped in Cheetos —Patton Oswalt’s description of Trump

Scrotum designed by Salvador Dali —@factbasedliving, a winner of the Scathing Atheist Podcast’s “Describe Jeff Sessions in Five Words or Less Contest”

I have heard flatulence with better diction. — Noah Lugeons on The Skepticrats Podcast

If he had been given an enema, he could have been buried in a matchbox. —Christopher Hitchens on the death of televangelist Jerry Falwell

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong. —Russell Lynes

It’s people like you that give people like you a bad name. —Marvel character Jessica Jones

I’d rather give birth to a porcupine backwards than be like him. —Jeff Bacon

You geriatric asshole! I hope you choke on your fiber. —Tyson Swayt

You look like Freddy Krueger face-f***ed a topographical map of Utah. —Weasel to Wade Wilson in Deadpool

The next thing he says dislocates my irony bone. —PZ Myers

People who go into hamburger management always look as if their mother slept with Goofy. —Bill Bryson, A Walk In the Woods

Utah State Senator Weiler during a hate crime hearing: “Is being a BYU fan a hate crime?” Senator Thatcher: “No, it’s a disability.”

0 Comments

Random thoughts on writing

8/26/2023

0 Comments

 
Picture
To create art is to risk.

In writing, passive voice is to be avoided.

Resolved: Henceforth, any mystery writer who puts “There’s still one thing I don’t understand“ in the mouth of a character at the wrap-up of the denouement shall be subject to a sound slap, a wagging in finger in the face, and a thorough scolding.

There should be mandatory jail time for writers who pen “with every fiber of [possessive pronoun] being.”

Authors who write “it is what it is” should sit in a corner and not be permitted to speak or write for 90 days while they ponder the seriousness of their crime.

If I berate you for not knowing that vault has two different meanings, is it an ad homonym attack? If I berate you for using there for their, is it an ad homophone attack?

Novelists who switch between first and third person voice from one chapter to the next should not be permitted to live.

Sometimes alliteration marks good writing. More often, it’s a simple show of sophomoric syntactical silliness.

More people should write, but fewer people should publish.

Robert Louis Stevenson has a nightmare about Jeckyll and Hyde and writes a bestseller. I had a nightmare about weak coffee. What I am supposed to do with that?

I like picking up a new word here or there, so I don’t mind an author who on occasion sends me to the dictionary. But the fellow who penned “absquatulated” where “fled” would have sufficed deserves a slap.

I’m unimpressed when people say, “I just finished my first novel.” Unless they mean writing, not reading.

Proposed: That the next screenwriter who places “This isn’t over yet” in the hero’s mouth be subject to administrative leave without pay and not less than 120 hours of community service. No real hero would say that. Besides, unless the end credits are rolling, it’s implicit.
 
Thanks to movies, I'm not afraid of being held against my will. I know that in every secure facility is a ventilator shaft big enough for an adult to crawl through.

I look forward to the day I see a novel advertised, “Now a minor motion picture.”

0 Comments

The futility of “Go Be Homeless Someplace Else” laws

6/9/2023

0 Comments

 
Picture
THE PORTLAND (OREGON) CITY COUNCIL just passed a new suite of Go Be Homeless Someplace Else laws.

Now, when the unhoused camp overnight on public lands, they must pack up and leave by 8 each morning.

Also, according to The Oregonian, the unhoused may no longer camp near “pedestrian plazas, shelter and construction sites, high-speed roads, parks, greenways and numerous other locations.”

Great. Let’s make their life harder. Let’s heap upon them further inconvenience—and further humiliation—by treating them as a blight to be removed rather than as human beings in crisis. And let’s limit where they can sleep to anywhere that isn’t somewhere. That’ll sure learn ’em not to have fallen victim to whatever convergence of misfortune left them unhoused in the first place.

Despite what you may hear from the uninformed and the empathy-deprived, homelessness is not the first resort of the Too Lazy to Work. In fact, homelessness is rarely if ever voluntary. That’s why vagrancy and Go Be Homeless Someplace Else laws don’t make a dent. What they do, and not well, is spare the rest of us from having to look at and reconcile our consciences to a human tragedy that we have the means but, it would seem, not the will to mitigate.

To reduce homelessness, we must address economic factors that converge in bringing it about: a ridiculously low minimum wage, a broken healthcare system, systemic racism and sexism, mindless persecutions heaped upon the LGBTQ+ community, a punishing welfare system, out-of-control housing costs, and mental health issues*, to name a few.

We haven’t a homelessness problem. We have a broken economy problem, an empathy problem, and a NIMBY problem.

*Beware the too-easy out of invoking mental health as the cause of homelessness. It can equally or perhaps more so result from it, as well as from the cited economic factors.

0 Comments

Advanced toast tech!

5/6/2023

0 Comments

 
Picture
I WAS well overdue for a new toaster. Nothing fancy. Just one of those basic thingies with two slots, a slider, and a lightness-darkness knob.

​Off to the store I went.


Not so fast! As I surveyed the shelf of toasters at my friendly neighborhood Target, it became clear that the age of smart devices had caught up to the noble toaster. Today’s toasters come with at least 47 LED buttons for producing perfect bagels, English muffins, pop tarts, frozen pizza, dating advice, movie reviews, directions to the nearest public restroom, ED pills, dad jokes, curling irons, stock market tips, and more.

Oh, and if you absolutely must, they can make plain-old, everyday toast. ​

Some models have touch screens. And one, according to the box, even has “advanced toast tech.” What a relief. The last thing I want is a slice of toast made with outdated tech.

​▪️▪️▪️
0 Comments

Meet my latest (reissued) book

4/12/2023

0 Comments

 
Picture
In 2021, a few months before the publication of my book about prostitution in Mormon Utah, I published a short book about the Mormon Church’s Articles of Faith.

Although I hadn’t been shy in writing about the Mormon Church, this effort lands more of a direct hit than my articles and other books. Finding it therefore a bit off-brand for me, I issued it under the pseudonym O. B. Sirius. “O. B.” is short for Obadiah Bogderry, a spooneristic play on Obadiah Dogberry, a pseudonym from Mormon history.

But then I got to thinking. I said to myself, What brand? Who do you think you are?

So, last week, I re-issued the book under my name. (Sorry about that, O. B.) It’s called Honest Chaste True Benevolent Yada Yada Yada: Wackadoodle beliefs the Mormon Church’s Articles of Faith are meant to hide. It’s funny and readable, but accurate. I painstakingly footnoted it for the benefit of any who might wonder if I was inventing or exaggerating Mormon doctrine and history.

Both O. B. and I would be grateful if you’d read it and leave a review. Available on Amazon* by clicking here or on the image above.
__________________
*If you have reservations about Amazon, I hear you. It’s what I have to work with.

0 Comments

Dare I wade into the Dalai Lama thing?

4/12/2023

0 Comments

 
Picture
UNLESS YOU LIVE under a rock, you’re most likely aware of a storm of outrage regarding the Dalai Lama’s interaction with a young boy, wherein at one point the former said to the latter, “Suck my tongue.”

In deference to my Tibetan friends, whom I hold in the highest regard, I listened to their and other arguments and did some homework. For anyone who cares about my executive summary, here it is.


This was news to me: sticking out the tongue is a Tibetan cultural norm, used in greeting and rooted in history, that we Westerners are all too ready to misinterpret. Fair enough.

With that in mind, I reviewed the video several times. It doesn’t look like an assault or abuse attempt. (I know, I know. Looks can deceive.) Moreover, it strains credulity to think that the Dalai Lama would be dumb enough to attempt a lascivious act upon a child in front of a large audience, with cameras rolling and the child’s mom seated two chairs away.

But the audio. The audio presents a problem.

Because “suck on my tongue” is NOT part of the above-referenced cultural norm.

There’s another problem. Namely, the official apology issued to the media and appearing on the Dalai Lama’s website, though technically true, misleads. It says, “A video clip has been circulating that shows a recent meeting when a young boy asked His Holiness the Dalai Lama if he could give him a hug.” No. The outrage is not about the hug. Nor is it about the kiss. In Tibet, men hug men and men kiss men, even on the lips. We get that.

No, the outrage is about “suck my tongue.” Which is in no way part of the culture.

The statement goes on to say, “His Holiness wishes to apologize to the boy and his family, as well as his many friends across the world, for the hurt his words may have caused.” The use of “may have caused” is a favorite weasel of celebrities, politicians, and religious leaders, in that it stops short of an admission.

T
he statement issued to the media also included the following, which, curiously, the website omits: “His Holiness often teases people he meets in an innocent and playful way, even in public and before cameras. He regrets the incident.” Hmm. Maybe there’s a joke in “suck my tongue” that Tibetans get that is lost on me. I’m deeply skeptical, but maybe. Either way, it needs to go.

The loudest, most irrelevant argument I hear is that the Dalai Lama is a wonderful, holy man who has attained nirvana and ergo is de facto innocent. To which I respond: Nope, nope, and nope. The Dalai Lama deserves no more reverence and gets no more passes than any other human being.

So, where do I land? A big fat I dunno. But come on, DL. No more tongue sucking.

ADDENDUM
Sunday, April 16, 2023


An issue I chose not to deal with earlier keeps coming up, so here goes.

Sometimes a Tibetan adult gives candy to a child mouth-to-mouth. If the child begs for more, the adult may say something akin to, “All gone. All that’s left is to eat my tongue,” and then present the tongue. This is normal and considered cute.

For that apologetic to work, we would need to accept a few things. First, that the Dalai Lama’s limited English skills account for his use of suck in place of eat. That’s perfectly plausible. Second, we would need to accept that the Dalai Lama was speaking metaphorically—that he had given all the affection, not candy, that he had to give. That seems a little less plausible. Third, the Dalai Lama did not say he had given all the affection he had to give, but cut directly to “suck my tongue”; so we would need to accept that he expected a young child to make that association. Seems like quite a reach.

Moreover, that apologetic comes not from the Dalai Lama but from self-appointed defenders. I don’t see much point in rebutting a claim the Dalai Lama hasn’t made.

I might as well acknowledge another apologetic while I’m at it: that the whole thing is a communist plot. Some people are speculating that the Chinese Communist Party edited, sat on, and then released the video after the Dalai Lama received honors they didn’t like. Maybe, but I’m reminded of what the Coca-Cola Company’s CEO said to accusations about retiring the original formula as a ploy: “We’re not that smart, and we’re not that dumb.”

But: I wasn’t there. I don’t know Tibetan culture. I don’t sit down to lunch with the Dalai Lama terribly often. I have no moles in the Chinese Communist Party.

Meanwhile, the incident in question seems to have turned out harmless enough, and there appear to be no reports of his having assaulted any kids. All good.

Which is why, you may recall, I concluded my post with “a big fat I dunno.” That, and, “come on DL. No more tongue sucking.” As of this writing, that’s where I remain.


❖ ❖ ❖
0 Comments

PLEASE: Read the 1619 Project (and others)

4/9/2023

0 Comments

 
PictureEveryone should read this.
I’m not sure whether it has been by design or happenstance, but in recent months I have been consuming novels, history, and commentary by Black authors. Titles include His Name Is George Floyd, How to Be an Antiracist, The Bluest Eye, The Trees, Believing, and others.

It has been eye-opening.


Right now I’m one-third of the way through The 1619 Project. I cannot recommend it enough.

Sadly, the people I wish most to read it won’t. Reasons will vary from understandable (too challenging for their reading level) to disheartening (their wells have been poisoned).

For the former, there’s the audiobook. For the latter, maybe a few will set aside whatever they have been fed by their favorite media, politicians, and relatives and give the book a fair shot.

Not that I’m holding my breath.


❖
0 Comments

Beware the default benefit

2/17/2023

0 Comments

 
Picture
Bit of advice to copywriters:

The adage that “people buy benefits, not features” is true. So if you want to persuade, don’t make your case solely on what your product is, aka, its features, but on what it does for your reader.

The usual accompanying adage, “people don’t buy quarter-inch drill bits, they buy quarter-inch holes” is just plain wrong. Like a drill bit, a hole is an is, not a benefit.

Here is what holes do: let you sink screws; drain water; create air flow; feed pipes, tubes, or wires; see what’s behind a wall; and more.

To find the benefit behind a feature, try appending the words “so you”: This bag has an easy-open tab [feature], so you [possible benefits:] won’t break a nail / won’t have to strain /  won’t spill / won’t have to use scissors or pliers / won’t have your kids overhear you using words you’d ground them for using.

Whatever you do, beware the default benefit ...
Sooner or later comes this flash of would-be brilliance about your service: It saves time!

Guess what. Most services save time. It is the default benefit. It sets no one apart. If “saves you time” is where you’re headed with your copy, stop and think harder.
0 Comments

Misinformation isn’t what it used to be

2/16/2023

0 Comments

 
Picture
IT’S REMARKABLE, the assertions we grow up accepting that turn out not be true. (Go ahead and buy that red car. No, you won’t get more tickets.)

I stumbled upon taking an evidence-based approach to claims, and the importance of avoiding common thinking errors, some years ago. At the time, it was for me little more than intellectual entertainment. I mean, so what if people believed Bigfoot was real, the lunar landing was faked, or dogs predict earthquakes?

But if misinformation was ever quaint, it no longer is.
It has, in fact, become downright deadly.

Misinformation dehumanizes innocent people, sends gunmen into pizza parlors, scares people from life-saving vaccines, convinces people that windmills cause cancer, sends a mob to overthrow the government, convinces people that an electrical pulse is a heartbeat, lures the sick into trading proven medical treatments for quackery, and more.

I wrote a column for The Salt Lake Tribune outlining basic steps for evaluating claims. It’s short, and you can read it on this website by clicking here.

I hope you enjoy it. Better yet, I hope someone applies it.

0 Comments

No one in the U.S. should have to do without the basics

12/23/2022

0 Comments

 
Picture
MY HOME isn’t the best at keeping out outdoor temps. Yet even as I try to coax peak performance from its HVAC system in the worst of winter and summer, I remember people throughout my city who live in tents or have no shelter whatsoever.

I kick in my widow’s mite with every paycheck. It does only a little to assuage my awareness of how much more I could do. Yet 
the United States has the wealth to ensure the basics of Maslow’s Hierarchy for everyone within its borders. I would gladly pay the trifling tax increase to cover the cost. Better yet, the U.S. could cover the cost with no increase at all by building fewer bombers, subsidizing fewer oil companies, or loopholing fewer obscenely rich people out of paying their fair share.

Either way, it is immoral that anyone should go without shelter, food, and medical care in this land of excess.

“I don’t want to feed and shelter drug dealers,” one person argued. I get it. Trouble is, carving out even one exception opens the door to more exceptions. As recent history makes clear, it wouldn’t be long before proudly Christian politicians moved to exclude swaths of people they deemed unsavory, such as addicts, the LGBTQ+ community, undocumented immigrants, documented immigrants from the “wrong countries,” people who “need tough love not enabling,” members of the “wrong religion,” people who “just don’t want to work,” and more. I would rather risk feeding the scum of the earth, even in perpetuity, than trust anyone with deciding who does and who doesn’t get to eat or keep warm.

No one in this country should have to do without shelter, food, and medical care. No one.

* * *
0 Comments
<<Previous
    Picture

    Welcome to Cunoblog

    ... where I share thoughts about writing. ​I don’t consider myself a writing authority, but that doesn’t keep me from presuming to blog like one. Oh, and I reserve the right to digress when I feel like it.

    Archives

    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    February 2023
    December 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    September 2021
    June 2021
    March 2021
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

This site and all items herein © 2023 Steve Cuno
  • Home
  • Books, Articles, and More
  • Cunoblog
  • Contact / Discuss a project