Please don’t tell me you’re praying for me.

IF YOU BELIEVE in an intervening deity, there may be no explaining this to your satisfaction. But, fool that I am, I’m going to give it a try.

Mind you, I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. That when you respond to my major issue with …

— “I know you don’t believe in this sort of thing, but I’ll pray for you” --

​… you honestly have no idea how offensive you’re being. That you truly think you’re doing a kindness.* That the proper response from me should be, “Thank you.”

Now, there’s a spectrum of nonbelievers. Some might give you a sincere “thank you” or at least feign one. But, hard though it may be for you to fathom, this nonbeliever recoils. You have just told him that, regardless of how he feels, you’re going to wave in his face this thing that he doesn’t just reject but opposes.

Manners and empathy are all that keep me from replying not with “thank you” but with another two–word phrase also ending with “you.” Ironically enough, manners and empathy should have kept you from saying “I’ll pray for you” in the first place.

Here’s an analogy that almost gets us there. Suppose you’re an ardent Christian, and I tell you, “I know your book says to burn witches, but I want you to know that I’m going to hunker down in my secret lair and execute a Wiccan spell for you.” Or, “I know you don’t approve of this sort of thing, but I’m going to dress up in drag for you.” I think you’ll agree that it’s my privilege to perform Wiccan spells or to dress up in drag all I want. But you might find in my telling you about it something of an affront.

It’s kinda like that.

Pray all you want. In secret. You know, like your book tells you to do.

What to say when someone you know to be a nonbeliever shares their trials? May I suggest, simply: “I am so sorry. I want you to know how much I care.”
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* To be sure, I can infer other motives, but let’s set them aside for now.