In the event of insufficient thanks

J.D. VANCE’S SHAMELESS, childish display during last week’s meeting with President Zelenskyy brought to mind an incident from some years ago. After doing my daughter a trivial favor, a woman I was dating was angry because my daughter, she claimed, hadn’t thanked her. I doubted that—my kids are pretty good about please and thank–you—but then, I hadn’t witnessed the transaction, so I didn’t try to argue.

She continued, “You know how it makes you mad when you do something for my son and he doesn’t thank you?”

I was honestly baffled. I couldn’t recall any instance of expecting thanks from him, much less resenting not having received it. “Actually, no,” I said, “I do things for him because I want to do things for him, not because I want thanks.”

“Your relationship with him is totally different, so don’t use that as an example,” she snapped back, apparently forgetting that it was she who had invoked the example.

Don’t get me wrong. Thanking is good manners. But if you’re stomping about in a rage over not being thanked, you weren’t doing a favor. You were trying to buy a bit of praise.

​This was borne out the next evening.

At a large gathering, my daughter showed up and poured out effusive thanks in front of everyone. My friend beamed, did the aw–shucks–it–was–nothing thing, and all was forgiven. She remained in great spirits for the rest of the evening. 

Taking my daughter aside later, I said, “Well done. She was angry because you hadn’t thanked her.”

My daughter’s reply was insightful. “I did thank her,” she said, “but I decided to do it again in front of everyone, because she likes to look wonderful in front of other people.”

That dating relationship didn’t last long.